Change...

CHANGE is a word I cringe at.  Eww, I hate it, despise it, and run from it.  However, is it really that bad? 

I dont believe in certain change.  I do however believe in obvious change.  What I mean by this is... I believe things change, thats obvious,  the days turn to night, your body transforms, your sleeping pattern can change.  So, in that respect I get it, I accept it and I think I can embrace it. 

However what I dont believe in is people changing.  By this I mean who you really are.... its impossible. One day you do not love black and the next day hate it, one day you dont wake up and are a total different person.  It isnt possible and the person you are fooling if you believe that anyone cant see right through that is yourself.   

When something happens in our lives a pivotal moment, like cancer, a death of a loved one, etc.  We might change our perspective of life, we might think happier thoughts, love harder, hide deeper, I dont know... however we dont CHANGE ourselves.  

I am a girl who cares a lot about people.  Sometimes I guess too much because I get hurt by peoples actions easily.  If you are eating alone at a table, I feel bad for you,  if you cry, well just bring out the tissue box,  if I am shopping and I see something that triggers a thought of you, I wanna buy it... thats just me.  I however, hate this about myself, cuz it gives me that vulnerability to be hurt that I hate.  So when I am angry, hurt or upset, I run far away... I do whatever it takes to not have to deal with it.  I shut that door and try to forget it.  However, when I watch a movie, I hear every single line, music... good hell thats a horrible trigger... I find myself hurting those around me to protect myself.  Who does that?

ME!!!  I have realized though,  I sit back, and truly, I am lucky... I am lucky to have these friends who I wouldnt call friends anymore who have walked away, I am lucky to have a friend in Vegas that I can TELL EVERYTHING to and she just sits back and listens and gives the best advice.  I have a friend in Washington and he oh my he hears it all and gives me NO ADVICE.  I have friends who text me and check on me, who make sure I post on facebook lots... who pay attention and notice when I fall off the me wagon.   I have so many people making sure I stick to the raw me and that when I try to change and pretend to be someone I am not... they dont allow it.  They dont want it, they care about me even with all the flaws.  

So this is me, I care about people, I hold grudges until things are talked out, I hate hate hate being ignored, I laugh when I am nervous or scared, I am believing in 20 seconds of courage, I am not one who likes face to face confrontation but over text or the phone BRING IT!  If I hang up on you... I expect you to call me back, when you make promises like (you'll always be open and honest with me) I expect you to keep them,  I dont believe in over promising and under delivering because you let people down.  I dont believe you are different and can change your heart, you might change looks, you weight, your features, but your heart, it doesnt change... so if you are trying to pretend its different... I can tell, your eyes speak volumes!!! Well... atleast thats what I choose to believe.

So to everyone out there who is trying to be someone or something they arent... look in the mirror for a minute, you will notice you have a ton of people standing infront of you asking for you to come back... because you are perfect just the way you are!

Memorial Day Weekend

 We started off attending the Polynesian Culture thing out in Tuachan.  It was fun to see my old Zumba group out there dancing away.  I ran into a couple of friends and that always makes for a great day!  Hailey got up and actually danced cuz she has friends around and it ended up being a great hour of funness! 

 These are random photos of the last week.  The house in the picture is a single wide out in hurricane and its been turned into three apartments.  UM.... AMAZING!  Jaerick is showing me how strong he is.  Jaerick and I were hiding from the wind in the bottom picture.  Haileys shirt says Brothers are Awesome so she wore it to bed the night before there last day of school kind of adorable!!!

 Saturday after the show at Tuachan we took the kids bowling. Now this is a KIDS DAY tradition on the 1st of January growing up for me so I thought the kids might love it.  They loved loved loved it and um- Braxton beat me! WTH!!!!  It was a ton of fun. 

These pictures are a happy sad.  Hailey Bailey finished the big Kindergarten.  She is now moving onto first grade where she will spend half her day learning Chinese and the other regular English studies.   She did so good and had some really great memories made.  The school year is over, cant actually believe it and now we have a TON of summer days to plan out.  It seems like it is going to be a hot hot summer so summer funness is off with a bang.  Awsten gets his stitches out on Wednesday.  Haileys finger is scabbed enough to allow swimming.  Cameron is training for his first triathlon which will be fun to watch and my cousins are coming to Vegas next weekend so I am on cloud 500 of excited for that.  I am currently sick :( Thank you stephanie!!! However, I have returned to CrossFit been able to post 2 beyond the whiteboard posts and feel better then ever!  It felt so good to get back into my routine.  I wish everything was back to normal however, I can only control myself, not others :(  Oh and last update... my dad is doing okay.  They keep putting off the amputation so I am REALLY happy about that.  I think the prayers are paying off :)  Thank you EVERYONE for them.  They have been needed!!! Have a safe and wonderful memorial day and thank you to everyone who lost their lives so we could have the freedom we have today!

Lessons learned...

I watched the movie, "we bought a zoo"  yesterday and for me it was the closing to my book, the finish line ribbon, the moment I have been waiting for.   It isnt like it was this miracle movie and hit some big button in my head but it was the perfect movie at the perfect moment.  As I reflect back on the movie there were a few key sayings that stood out above the rest to me.  

start doing something and STOP feeling sorry for yourself

Why Not

20 seconds of courage

I am not above complaining, I am not above being upset, or being in your moment of anger.  I am also not above realizing your inability of grasp in control and your ability to determine your defeat.  So, I share this with you, not for pity or attention but I share this with you because its a lesson learned.

For 8 months of my life I made my life all about me.  I focused on my weight and my emotional issues.  I took the time each morning @ 5 a.m.  to win the battle of my body against my mind.  I did that each and every day and while in that process in the short time I for 8 months had some of the biggest results of my life.  However,  I hit a bump in my road, I hit a hill, a mountain, or as some would consider a grain of sand.  Doesn't really matter what you call it, but to me it was a bump, a change, a disruption to my process.   You know what I did in that moment?  I fought until I felt I had no more fight in me then I folded like a cheap tent.  I did what Jennifer does all the time, I ran away, I hid, I self destructed, I let go of the control I have of myself.   I have a list of things I can blame it on, I can even name people I want to be so angry at and hate which caused this.  However,  when I step back,  I let go....

Life will knock you down, over and over, when you are at your lowest, oh don't worry, it will make sure you know there is still lower to go.   It doesn't matter if it was caused by hateful sayings, by people leaving you when you needed them the most, people hurting you, drugs, or alcohol, sickness or a list of things.  Its going to happen... its inevitable.  If it hasn't don't feel lucky just give it time.  Your luck will run dry.  What measures your strength what measures your demeanor is what you do when you are there. 

I let others determine my value, my ability, and my demeanor.  I let others own my strength in myself.   I allowed others to win the battle of MY MIND vs MY BODY.  I let this little girls insecurities creep back in, I put the smile back in the box, I stood back against the wall, and I wore the baggy clothes... I hid her.  Watching this movie as it said stop feeling sorry for yourself I realized that was exactly what I was doing.  I was feeling sorry for myself, that I was misunderstood, that people chose to walk away, I was feeling sorry for this girl.   I had the chance to open my hope chest and find myself, I had moments to inspire others and who am I to hide that girl and take her away from anyone but most of all from myself-- that isn't fair.   The courage... well that's where this journey comes back onto the path.  It takes 20 seconds of courage to do something we don't believe we have the ability to do.  I for 8 months on a daily basis completed things I never EVER thought I could, I grew friendships with people I would have NEVER thought I would have gained, I have grown into a girl I NEVER knew I could.  I did that, and only I can defeat myself. 

So I lay my crutches down and walk away from them, I wipe away my tears, I forgive those who aren't sorry, and I erase those pages of my life... because when I look back on my journey... I don't want to remember those times, you are worth more then that and MY book is better then that because..... WHY NOT!

one "blank" of a week...

WOW!!!  This has been one of those weeks you appreciate the google phone which makes sure you dont miss any meetings! Its been so busy.  Its the kids last full week of school so each day is something to remember. However these last three days I dont know which day is which.. I could swear today was Sunday.  Hailey having kindergarten testing all week did not have school until Wednesday which she passed and now will go into the Duel Immersion program learning Chinese half of her day!  She is super excited about that.  She started off the week with some apple slicing fun and sliced off her pinky finger.  It was a nasty mess and I called Brandon he told me to put it on ice and I did and we headed to instacare.  Two hours later they had to cauterize it because it wouldnt stop bleeding.  Great way to start off my week!

Wednesday morning we got to also see Uncle Zack at Pineview highschool perform as Elvis and that was a blast!  Then on Thursday night Hailey performed with the Vault aka Kalamity Group at Tuachan.  She did a kick butt job for only have gone three times!  We cheered our hearts out for her and she has the biggest smile ever on her face!!! She did so good! So proud of her!!! 

 Then our Friday started out where we got to go to Braxtons classroom and watch him receive an award for the highest math achievement award.  He passed off all times tables and division front and back!  He was super excited and got to pick any treat from Miss Spencer.  She is sure a fun teacher.  We have really enjoyed her! She loves having Braxton in her class he also likes being the teachers pet!

 Then as Friday went on we had Awstens end of the year "mock" birthday party!  His real birthday is not until July 29th but I throw him a school party every year.  He had 20 yeah thats right 20 kids show up for his party!!! Spoiled little thing.  We went swimming (I head counted 4 million times) and then had a BBQ at the house!  It had to be the fastest 2.5 hours!  We just laughed, yelled, and had a ton of fun!!!
 Then we got to spend today with some of our friends from the College Married Ward! Landon & Cinthia Lounsbury!  We always have a blast laughing and laughing and laughing with them.  In the middle of the visit we decided lets get up and go to the semi-pro football game in town so we did.  It was a blast! Really fun!  The boys went over to play football in the grass as we talked and watched the game. Next thing we know a little girl about 12 years old comes running up the bleachers holding my 67lb son. I mean buff stuff she is.  His knee is sliced open.  We load up and go to the ER cuz its 9:39 pm and it was packed so we called Dixie Pediatric Night light and they were open and not busy.  We took Awsten in and got him checked out! 12 stitches later he is all better!  Hailey was about bawling her little eyes dry.  She was so sad her brother was hurt she did not know what to do with herself!  It was a very sweet moment! However I had to make her leave the room with Cameron because it was too sad!!!  He was a tough bugger and the Dr. said he would be all better in a few weeks.  I told him the Dr. was making his knee look like a football so that made him happy! Once again tried to wrap it up with red but that isnt a option so we went with Pink for Team Ashley.  We left around 10 pm and they wanted to call Ashley and tell her! HAHA! So cute!

so that sums up my week!!! Now I am going to make a wish at 11:11 like I do every night so I hope ya'll have a safe Sunday!!!

BUSY BUSY BUSY...

K I will try to make this short but descriptive so wish me luck haha!!!  So Hailey and I were making lunch yesterday when she decided to slice her little finger off.  First picture is the finger tip with nail on ice.  Thanks Brandon for the suggestion.  Then they wrapped her hand in red until they could get the doctor.  We left wearing BLUE we are true BLUE THROUGH AND THROUGH!!! She was a good sport.  They tried 4 different things but ended up burning it (cauterizing) it.  I dont know how to spell that.  We did the first bandage change last night so you can see what it looks like!!!

Then this weekend we competed in the "Devil Dash" 5k in las vegas.  It was hotter then HELL but we had a ton of fun.  Cameron had a lot of girls ask for his picture with them so I think he liked it even more.  He said I want to run in every race!!! I AM SURE HE DOES!!! HAHAHA!  We just signed him up for his first triathlon on June 2nd.  We are super duper proud of him and think it will be a blast.  Oh he did 9 obstacles and beat everyone in our group finishing in about 34 minutes. Way to go babe!!!!

 Braxton also participated in the Hershey Games.  He did not want to and just did because basically I told him he needed to.  He lost the race (on purpose) but hey he still competed!  Oh well!!!

Last but not least a quick updated for all of those who have been following.  My Dad got word from the doctor yesterday that they will be amputating the two toes following his big toe.  Just top half but there is no more skin for them to dig away at.  It was not good news at all.  They are waiting until Monday to see about his big toe and we are just praying that doesnt happen.  Surgery is Friday so lots of prayers please.   We hope all is well with everyone.  Thank you all for your support through the trying time on our family.  I appreciate those who have really been there when we have needed them.

Marriage... makes me laugh...

So the other day I decided to shut down facebook.  I got tired of the drama, I realized I was spending countless amounts of time on it, and I wanted to refocus my blah focus... however, I love keeping updated on everyones workouts, I love seeing pictures, and I love funny people and what they post so I asked Cameorn if we could share a facebook page and his answer was....NO, you are more the liberal one in our marriage!?! LIBERAL?  What is he smoking?  So then I said tonight, babe I need to update the blog, should I call it External Hemorrhoids?  He was like Babe, seriously, NOOOOOO, blogs are not for you to post crap like that on, nobody needs to hear about that.  However, I find it humorous when people post REAL LIFE stuff.  So I just laughed and laughed and laughed.  I thought boy did I marry a opposite who just makes my day!   Anyhow, I really wanted to post about GOALS.  A few months back when I went to this AMAZING seminar on Nutrition (hint hint)  I learned a lot about eating right and different things.  One of the big things for me was about replacing habits.  I guess a habit of mine is when I am upset about ANYTHING I eat.  If I am stressed, I eat, If I am unfocused I EAT.  I dont believe you gain weight from eating.  I believe you gain wait from your emotions which in turn is why you eat and then WALAAA you gain the weight.   So... lets get back to the basics.  Step One:  Go over the same five questions you went over in the first place... why are you eating like you are eating?  What are you upset about?  When did you start eating like you are eating? What do you imagine yourself looking like when you are skinny? What are you the most scared of? ... So done with that, I know the answers... now next is STEP TWO: my goals.  Now I dont believe in making a goal that say I want to weigh 119.6 lbs by next month, I want thick hair, less bushy eyebrows, white ace teeth (prefer veneers) no allergies, and people to always apologize cuz reality is that shiz aint ever gonna happen.  So especially the last one hahahaha I am so funny!  So I believe in making DAILY SIMPLE GOALS:  So tomorrow my goal is to eat clean, when feeling depressed workout, make sure to do my workout, write down five affirmations, and read one story out of the friend with Hailey.   Thats what I can give each day is my 100% and I in turn get the BIG HUGE never thought you could reach accomplishments.  I have done if for the past 8 months.  No point in stopping now.  Dont look back on I fell off the wagon cuz thats not a great place.  Look at where you are going each day.  Make it the best!!!  P.S. You know you are doing great on Paleo if you get external hemorrhoids.  Just saying! HAHAHA Love you babe!!!!

What I saw yesterday...

As we spent the day watching the Ironman and all of the people we knew participating I couldn't help but get overly excited for the accomplishments each individual step by step were reaching. 


"Success is not measured by what you accomplish but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds."
-Orison Swett Marden

I am for sure a softy when people succeed at what they put there minds to.  Maybe because its a struggle I deal with daily but boy I get sort of mom protection proud.   In October, I was able to watch one of these competitors from yesterday participate in the St. George Marathon.  They struggled a little and were disappointed in there time while doing the Marathon.  I however, looked at them accomplishing the marathon as sort of an inspiration.  A part of giving those around them the permission to use there liberation from there own fears to success  -- so that we could also be liberated from ours.  It was a milestone for me, in my journey to believe I could do anything they did if I wanted to. 

7 months later, three of the marathon runners I know, who came from being overweight, being insecure, hiding behind their clothes, who each have their own personal story and struggles were now participating in the Ironman.  You think I thought a Marathon was big deal??? In only 7 months the same person who was disappointed at there time was now going to add on 112 miles of bike and 2.5 miles of swimming???  This was a big dang deal!!!  I was able to watch each one of them swim, bike, and run.... I was able to watch each one of them become an Ironman!   My favorite part of the whole race was at the end when they crossed the line the commentator yelled.... blank blank You are now an Ironman!!!!  What a proud moment that would have felt like.  I cant even imagine what they felt as they crossed the finish line and heard those words. 

So with the quote above... it isn't about these men crossing the finish line and succeeding that us as bystanders feel is so impressive.  Its that opposition, overwhelming odds that they faced leading up to this race.  It was the battle within there minds that they won, it was there ability to set out for a goal and to accomplish it, it was there overwhelming ability to STAND OUT and lay down the red carpet and give permission to each and everyone of us to use there example to believe in ourselves.  It is a gift not many give, some my call it crutch, but I call it a gift!!!! 

Congratulations to all of the 2012 Ironman!!!  Smile because you deserve this!!!